Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Yes to more.

 Don't get me wrong,
I am beyond grateful for all of the things.
(The huge and the itty bitty ... all of them.)

But today during a shoot, as I stood in this spot with a kitty companion at my feet and 
savored the December sun,
I found myself saying yes to more.
More days like today.

It was like all the limits lifted,
and every crazy notion of some ideal life that passes through my head,
is all possible.
But so much more.

"What you seek is seeking you."
 ~ Rumi ~

Dream big, compadres.



Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fabulous Forties

Today I turn 40.

I double and triple-check the number coming out of my mouth,.
Somehow it's true.

My thirties were good ... watching my kids grow into their awesomeness,
forging new amazing friendships, lots of creative growth.

But it was also a decade with much loss and sadness.
There were a lot of very dark days that I didn't think I would pull out of.
I wondered if I was even capable of joy beyond the little whispers.

Now that I am coming into my own new era, I am finally starting to find some stillness and peace with myself.
Like the dust has finally settled, and resurrection is on the horizon.

Ashes, phoenix, all that jazz.

Thinking about my forties gives me uber butterflies.
(That's always a good thing.)

I am grateful.
For family, friends, animal companions, clients, cameras, divine food and drink, art, music, gardens, rain, sunshine, moonshine, little moments, big moments, opportunities, change, and

It's time to delve and cultivate.

To re-discover my weirdo Self ... Hallelujah.

Follow the journey, if you like.
I'm all for good company.

Here we goooooo .....


( The last photo of my thirties ... )

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May Day

Welcome, May.
Welcome, because April had such a tainted funk to it.
I felt robbed of my usual Spring Fever.
It wasn't all terrible, and I am grateful for the good,
but there was definitely an undefinable shadow,
and I know I wasn't the only one who experienced it.
It's been over 3 months since my Mom passed.
Sometimes I felt like I was doing okay,
but through most of April I was a daily train-wreck.
(Only to myself of course ... I can only let on so much to the world.)
 I am smack-dab in the middle of the life I knew and the life I have yet to know,
and no idea what to do with myself.
I feel like I've been grasping and trying to force what I want.

And that never *EVER* works.
This I know.

I often see glimpses of an ideal life.
It's not entirely different than this one,
but it's absolutely what I am striving for.
(I think no matter how happy we are, we all have those ideals.)
 I see it with such a clarity that I can't imagine how it's not real.
It's like seeing it through a window,
but not knowing how to get there.


I am going to attempt more kindness to myself,
and out of my hunger for clarity,
begin releasing all the physical and mental clutter that is suffocating me.
{ More space = more light. }
I also think I'm going to take a very pseudo-hiatus from photography.
Just a little break from the feverish pace I've been maintaining.

I will still be working on pending projects,
and am still open to sessions, orders and the like
(of course!),
just feel like I need to loosen the reins, 
let it breathe and do what it wants to do for a while.
I have invested 
into it over the years, and now feel like I need to step back just a bit.
Just to see what happens.

 (Happy May to you ... I hope you are living your ideals.)

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Giving it all away.

Last night I watched an inspiring talk by Amanda Palmer on TED Talks ~
That rocked my world.

Changing perspective, it's something I try to do often.
Lately I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with photography.

Yes, do it, I know that.
But then what?

So to stir up energies a bit, I have an idea.
 It's just a little something to start.

I have a handful (or two) of prints.
They aren't doing any good sitting in my stock, so I'm going to give them away.
Give them away.

I will post an availability list below.  Contact me at 
if there is one you would like.

Send back whatever you are able ~ money, art, whatever.
And if you aren't able, that's okay too.

I feel things overall changing for the better.
We need more connection and gifts and creativity and positive vibes.
Expand the circle.

Here is the list (click on the titles to view) ~ 

These are 5x7 (or 5x5 if square), and retail for $18
Preston Castle Twilight Exterior
Volcano Doors  (2 available)
Foggy Rings
Autumn Vineyard

These are 8x10, and retail for $30
Preston Castle Twilight Exterior
Tristan's Daisy 

 That's about $800 worth of work.
Not that much to some people, a lot to others ... whatever.
 It's a big trusting leap, and I want you to have it.

  Be inspired, my friends.

~  ~  ~

Sunday, February 10, 2013

How are you?

How are you doing?
How are you feeling?
How are you holding up?

I've never been asked so many times in my life.

Short answer:

Long answer:
Helplessly riding waves of desperate grief and surprising calm.
Witnessing this bizarre stillness, like nothing I've ever known.
Surrounded by sadness, trying to just be within it.
Let it be what it needs to be, so that I can let it go.
A week feels like a day.
She's been gone over two weeks already.

January, you were cruel in your dissonance. 

I will never forget you,
but I won't miss you. 

 ~ ~ ~

Last month, when she was really turning for the worse, I felt a call to mandalas.
I printed one out, and raided my son's pens.
I began to color.
It has become something to fall on, something I look forward to.
A way to meditate, which I've really been wanting to incorporate into daily life.
And though it's still just at its beginning, I have learned the importance of 
focusing on the present ~ 
being aware of all, but concentrating on the perfect now.

I spend this time contemplating my place in this world, what I'm supposed to do, how I can contribute and be a positive force.
I think it's bigger than just photography, but don't yet know what.
Ideas are simmering.  Don't know if they're any good, but that doesn't matter.

There is such a vast space now, and it's a bit frightening and overwhelming.
So I'm attempting to let go of everything that no longer serves an uplifting purpose, and fill that space with cultivating the things that I want in my life ~ 
good health, finding my center, expanding creativity, a circle of *incredible* and inspiring friends, and following the path, one step, one mark at a time.

In a word:  Movement.

~ ~ ~

 "Let the wind repeat your prayers and petitions."  ~Jersey Murmurs


Friday, January 25, 2013

The post I never wanted to write.

Today would have been my Mom's 76th birthday.

At 10:33am yesterday, her nurse called and said I should come be with her.
At 10:43am, as I was leaving work, she called back to tell me she was gone.

The weather report early that morning said that the few little showers down south would end shortly.
When she passed, it started to rain, and it didn't stop all day.
And it was so dark.

These last two years have just been a horrendous dream that I'm about to wake up from, right?
I pinched myself as I sat in the foggy night, but it only hurt, it didn't wake me up.

Two years ago, she was diagnosed with a very aggressive, small-cell lung cancer.
She did everything she was supposed to do ~ endless appointments for chemo, radiation, blood work, transfusions, in and out of the hospital ~ and always with a smile, and a reassuring "I'm fine".
She would endure five-day chemo treatments every few weeks, ending with two days of 8-9 hour treatments an hour away in Folsom, seemingly unfazed.

All that fight, and it fucking took her anyway.

My Mom was everything that is good.  She would do anything for anyone.
She didn't deserve any of this.

People keep telling me that I did all I could, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop feeling like I should have done more.
This winter goes down in history as the darkest and coldest.
There is a stillness and emptiness in my world now that I'm not sure how to walk through with any kind of grace.

Mom, I miss you and love you more than you'll ever know.
I know that Dad and the rest of the family are taking good care of you.
I wish you all the peace, love, joy and light that there is.

~ xoxox ~