Sunday, February 10, 2013

How are you?

How are you doing?
How are you feeling?
How are you holding up?

I've never been asked so many times in my life.

Short answer:

Long answer:
Helplessly riding waves of desperate grief and surprising calm.
Witnessing this bizarre stillness, like nothing I've ever known.
Surrounded by sadness, trying to just be within it.
Let it be what it needs to be, so that I can let it go.
A week feels like a day.
She's been gone over two weeks already.

January, you were cruel in your dissonance. 

I will never forget you,
but I won't miss you. 

 ~ ~ ~

Last month, when she was really turning for the worse, I felt a call to mandalas.
I printed one out, and raided my son's pens.
I began to color.
It has become something to fall on, something I look forward to.
A way to meditate, which I've really been wanting to incorporate into daily life.
And though it's still just at its beginning, I have learned the importance of 
focusing on the present ~ 
being aware of all, but concentrating on the perfect now.

I spend this time contemplating my place in this world, what I'm supposed to do, how I can contribute and be a positive force.
I think it's bigger than just photography, but don't yet know what.
Ideas are simmering.  Don't know if they're any good, but that doesn't matter.

There is such a vast space now, and it's a bit frightening and overwhelming.
So I'm attempting to let go of everything that no longer serves an uplifting purpose, and fill that space with cultivating the things that I want in my life ~ 
good health, finding my center, expanding creativity, a circle of *incredible* and inspiring friends, and following the path, one step, one mark at a time.

In a word:  Movement.

~ ~ ~

 "Let the wind repeat your prayers and petitions."  ~Jersey Murmurs