Friday, January 25, 2013

The post I never wanted to write.

Today would have been my Mom's 76th birthday.

At 10:33am yesterday, her nurse called and said I should come be with her.
At 10:43am, as I was leaving work, she called back to tell me she was gone.

The weather report early that morning said that the few little showers down south would end shortly.
When she passed, it started to rain, and it didn't stop all day.
And it was so dark.

These last two years have just been a horrendous dream that I'm about to wake up from, right?
I pinched myself as I sat in the foggy night, but it only hurt, it didn't wake me up.

Two years ago, she was diagnosed with a very aggressive, small-cell lung cancer.
She did everything she was supposed to do ~ endless appointments for chemo, radiation, blood work, transfusions, in and out of the hospital ~ and always with a smile, and a reassuring "I'm fine".
She would endure five-day chemo treatments every few weeks, ending with two days of 8-9 hour treatments an hour away in Folsom, seemingly unfazed.

All that fight, and it fucking took her anyway.

My Mom was everything that is good.  She would do anything for anyone.
She didn't deserve any of this.

People keep telling me that I did all I could, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop feeling like I should have done more.
This winter goes down in history as the darkest and coldest.
There is a stillness and emptiness in my world now that I'm not sure how to walk through with any kind of grace.

Mom, I miss you and love you more than you'll ever know.
I know that Dad and the rest of the family are taking good care of you.
I wish you all the peace, love, joy and light that there is.

~ xoxox ~