Friday, January 25, 2013

The post I never wanted to write.

Today would have been my Mom's 76th birthday.

At 10:33am yesterday, her nurse called and said I should come be with her.
At 10:43am, as I was leaving work, she called back to tell me she was gone.

The weather report early that morning said that the few little showers down south would end shortly.
When she passed, it started to rain, and it didn't stop all day.
And it was so dark.

These last two years have just been a horrendous dream that I'm about to wake up from, right?
I pinched myself as I sat in the foggy night, but it only hurt, it didn't wake me up.

Two years ago, she was diagnosed with a very aggressive, small-cell lung cancer.
She did everything she was supposed to do ~ endless appointments for chemo, radiation, blood work, transfusions, in and out of the hospital ~ and always with a smile, and a reassuring "I'm fine".
She would endure five-day chemo treatments every few weeks, ending with two days of 8-9 hour treatments an hour away in Folsom, seemingly unfazed.

All that fight, and it fucking took her anyway.

My Mom was everything that is good.  She would do anything for anyone.
She didn't deserve any of this.

People keep telling me that I did all I could, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop feeling like I should have done more.
This winter goes down in history as the darkest and coldest.
There is a stillness and emptiness in my world now that I'm not sure how to walk through with any kind of grace.

Mom, I miss you and love you more than you'll ever know.
I know that Dad and the rest of the family are taking good care of you.
I wish you all the peace, love, joy and light that there is.

~ xoxox ~



  1. Krista, I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say or do to take your pain away, just know I love you and I am always thinking of you. Your mom was a awesome Aunt and I loved her very much, our Mothers were very close and I wish we could have been closer to. I know that she and my Mom are rejoicing in being together again. If you need anything contact me.

    Love your Cuz Barbara

  2. Krista, I am truly sorry for your loss your mom was a great woman and aunt. I will allways remember the weekend trips to our house and the holidays we spent together she goes to be with my mom and other sisters and brothers now and be at peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything at all let me know.


  3. Krista, I am so very sorry. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read your post. Your mom was a wonderful woman.I will remember all the fun time we had at your house as kids. Your mom was always there for us. She would make us special goodie bags at Halloween, and was a talented artist. You are in my prayers. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
    Dianne Queirolo Bennett

  4. When you are ready, and if you want to talk, I am here. If the kids need a distraction, our home is welcome for visits. I can't offer more than that, my friend. But if you need me, let me know.

  5. Love you so much sweetie. I can't imagine your pain, please know that we are here for you and the family, keeping ya'll in our thoughts and prayers. My beautiful aunt never gave up, and neither did did a wonderful job of taking care of her. <3 <3 Jana & family

  6. Krista,
    I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to be angry but know this that as time goes by the hurt of today will give way to joyous loving memories. I didn't know your Mom but I know you and I know that you did everything that you could. Try to be at peace and know that my loving thoughts and prayers go out to you.

  7. Krista my heart goes out to you. I was so heartbroke to hear about your Momma. I will miss her sweet voice & positive outlook. I always looked forward to hearing from her. Love to you & the family & just remember that you & her grandchildren are her legacy & I KNOW that you & them brought her great joy~ she was always telling me so. Even as you grieve, in everything you do she will be there~for you & your children are an extension of her. She lives on in our hearts & in our sweet memories; but she also is very much alive in spirit for I know she loved the Lord & is with Him now. Ever so close to us yet out of our sight for just a short time. I believe heaven is another dimension as close as the air we breath & she is not lost. She is right there with all her loved ones in pain no more awaiting our arrival. I look forward to seeing her again.

  8. Your mom was one of my favorite people. She always had a warm hug for me and smiles. Sometime she would pestery grandma in to singing. my favorite memory was the time we met up in better with you and your mom and there was a rubber ducky race I had so much fun and I admired you as my older cousin and just enjoyed spending time with my aunt. One of best days ever. Love Always Amanda Wickware and Family