Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May Day

Welcome, May.
Welcome, because April had such a tainted funk to it.
I felt robbed of my usual Spring Fever.
It wasn't all terrible, and I am grateful for the good,
but there was definitely an undefinable shadow,
and I know I wasn't the only one who experienced it.
It's been over 3 months since my Mom passed.
Sometimes I felt like I was doing okay,
but through most of April I was a daily train-wreck.
(Only to myself of course ... I can only let on so much to the world.)
 I am smack-dab in the middle of the life I knew and the life I have yet to know,
and no idea what to do with myself.
I feel like I've been grasping and trying to force what I want.

And that never *EVER* works.
This I know.

I often see glimpses of an ideal life.
It's not entirely different than this one,
but it's absolutely what I am striving for.
(I think no matter how happy we are, we all have those ideals.)
 I see it with such a clarity that I can't imagine how it's not real.
It's like seeing it through a window,
but not knowing how to get there.


I am going to attempt more kindness to myself,
and out of my hunger for clarity,
begin releasing all the physical and mental clutter that is suffocating me.
{ More space = more light. }
I also think I'm going to take a very pseudo-hiatus from photography.
Just a little break from the feverish pace I've been maintaining.

I will still be working on pending projects,
and am still open to sessions, orders and the like
(of course!),
just feel like I need to loosen the reins, 
let it breathe and do what it wants to do for a while.
I have invested 
into it over the years, and now feel like I need to step back just a bit.
Just to see what happens.

 (Happy May to you ... I hope you are living your ideals.)